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My Sluggish Heart

So I come to the foot of the cross. I come to the picture of vulnerability to move my hardness. I come to the definition of love to move my heart toward his. I come bearing my heart, my sluggish, aching, protected heart to have him move me to use me.

I woke this morning to an alarm clock that I hit the snooze button on three times. That’s not altogether unusual for me. I tend to work myself to a point where I get so tired that I struggle getting up in the morning unless I have something to do right away. Today was a bit different. It isn’t my mind or my body that was sluggish. It is my heart.

I’ve got a full and an exciting day today. I get to go sing in my praise band at church, teach and hang out with my college group that I minister to, help a young man with his swing as he struggles in his season, watch my kids run a race that they love, and preach a sermon that I’ve been working on for a while tonight. I’ve been looking forward to this day for quite some time now; and yet the only way to describe my heart is sluggish. I always hesitate to write about an upcoming day because I don’t want those that read this to have a glimpse into my troubled heart as I speaking to them. I worry, not about judgmental thoughts, but about thoughts of pity. In my mind I had put off writing this for that reason…until I realized something.

One of the main reasons that I write is because I know others are going through the same things. It’s one of the parts of my ministry to hearts and minds that I was very intentional about: I would not be afraid to put voice to that which we all try to hide. Sluggish hearts, especially when dealing in religious arenas, is something that we try to hide.

When I talk about a sluggish heart I mean a heart that is hesitant to be moved off it’s spot. Typically that is a spot of isolation because isolation is safe. If I am walled off then my relationships and my responses may be hindered, but at least I limit my hurt. I limit the access of others, I limit the impact of others. However, that wall means that, regardless of who is around me, I’m all alone. I’m alone with my thoughts, my emotions. No one can get in, no one can alter what’s going on within my two foot circle.

If I am walled off then my relationships and my responses may be hindered, but at least I limit my hurt. I limit the access of others, I limit the impact of others.

So I pray this morning that my heart is spurned from sluggishness. That my heart is moved; that my heart is softened because without being softened I hold on to that which caused the sluggishness. I hold on to words and actions that I replay in my mind. No change comes in that scenario. I do not grow, I only fester. I fester until my heart begins to rot from the inside out. Bitterness, anger, and isolation follow.

So I come to the foot of the cross. I come to the picture of vulnerability to move my hardness. I come to the definition of love to move my heart toward his. I come bearing my heart, my sluggish, aching, protected heart to have him move me to use me.

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